Thursday, June 5, 2014

all or nothing

I have this horrible mindset: everything must be all or nothing. My brain literally thinks in black and white. I must either fail or get an A, shut everyone out or get too involved, and eat everything or eat nothing. Get a good amount of sleep or not sleep at all. I just can't seem to do anything halfway. I desperately need some sort of balance, but I'm highly uncomfortable with the idea of it. For most people, finding balance would feel peaceful, but for me it would lack that feeling of feeling right, like something was off. It comes from my perfectionistic and compulsive tendencies- everything must be one thing or the other or I get frustrated. 

I'm working towards solving this issue with my mood. I either am overly happy or overly sad, and often I'd rather be sad than in the middle because I can define it and put a label on it. I like to make feelings and ideas reach the full potential of their defining quality. The thing that helps me with this is to not self-judge: instead, I accept my feelings for what they are instead of trying to change, judge, or put a label on them. 

I still struggle with the rest of my all-or-nothing ways, and most of them are an issue frankly because I refuse to change them. I know I need to change but it's really hard when my brain wants to do the opposite! 

Currently, I'm struggling with this issue in school. After just a few mistakes, I am in a "failing" type of mood and feel compelled to keep failing. I really really REALLY do not want to, obviously!! But I am just feeling the strong compulsion right now to keep my grades failing because I'm so uncomfortable with them in the middle. However.. I know that will not get me anywhere so I'm trying to put myself back in the "success" mood so I can save my grades. It's the same thing with eating: I don't want to eat when I'm hungry because I'm in the "hungry" mood and then if I eat I'll get into the "full" mood and I will eat my entire kitchen. Biologically, it takes 3-4 hours to get out of the hungry mood, and since I'm in the full mood during that time I HAVE to keep eating to keep the mood… so then I NEVER get out of the mood. Awkward analogy, but it's LITERALLY like coming down from cocaine. (Not that I'd know or anything ha…)

Ugh I'm just kinda rambling now… it's my study hall and this is when I do most of my blogging. I'm supposed to use it for homework, but my mind is most clear in the morning and this helps me to start my day off right by writing something every morning. Besides, it leaves my whole afternoon open! 

This all-or-nothing mindset does not make sense to anyone… well, because it's simply not logical. It's something you can only understand if your brain works in this way. I hate it, honestly, because it's not the way the world works, and I want so badly to get out of it. But I can't. 

xx Signe

1 comment:

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