Thursday, May 29, 2014

education from my perspective

I feel like it's cliche to rant about the education system. But if it's cliche to rant about it, and people are still ranting… then you know there's a problem. 

The thing is, everyone has a very different perspective on education. There's high-achieving honors students, special needs students, and people just floating along and getting by. These are the categories I recognize. Then I feel there is another category: those who "could do so well if they tried." I feel as if I fit into that category. But I feel as if most successful people fit into that category as well. 

The education system, from my perspective, is a restriction, an awful death sentence to my mind. When I was locked into a psychiatric hospital for a week, I started to dissociate because my mind reacted by looking for an escape. After I started sophomore year, being in class started to trigger that same psychological response. The same questions, the same problems, and the confinement, both physically and mentally, is terrifying. People say that school is boring, but that boredom is so much more for me. When my mind isn't stimulated, the emptiness feels infinite, and that creates an impending sense of fear throughout my body. Sometimes I want to cry because I cannot escape. I feel stripped of my mental capacity.

It's a very odd sensation. I cannot describe it exactly and it probably sounds like I am overreacting to a normal person. I am not. I didn't used to be like this. Before, I was just bored. Now, that boredom has turned into a fear because it feels as if I cannot escape it.

It's not like this all the time. I've learned to deal with it. But I hate when it comes back, and I'll do anything to escape the feeling. But the only way to escape the feeling is by escaping, either physically or mentally. I don't know if anyone will really understand. But I'm so glad I'm finally describing this because it's taken a while to put into words properly. 

Related to this feeling, I feel that school really is holding me back. The reason I don't get the grades I could is because I have an issue with the work. Either I twist around the directions to make them more logical, think of something better, write notes to the teachers on homework and tests about why their questions are faulty, or I just refuse to do the work because I think it's a waste of time and will not grow my mind. I hate this because to me doing these things feel positive, like I am trying to learn and expand and grow, and every time I try to do this I am cut down, held back, confined. Then I confuse my teachers because I do not do any homework and seem like a terrible student, but jump at the idea of a project or the chance to inform my class of something or email the teacher on extra research I found and suddenly seem engaged. 

I don't know. 

I just want it to be over. 

xx Signe

1 comment:

  1. I applaud you for writing this, it was so honest and heartfelt. I do not live in the US myself but there is definitely a restriction in the education system altogether and I completely get your perspective xx