Thursday, February 6, 2014

time to talk y'all

I'm very nervous about writing this post. Not because I'm afraid of sharing the information, but because I'm afraid others will judge me for sharing it. I can literally hear my friends and family saying "um why did you just share that with the Internet." 

So I'm going to go against that and share it with you all. Because that is the point of this day. 

You might have heard of this thing called Time to Talk. It's a campaign that's working to end mental health stigma. Inspired by Briar Rose, I've decided to take part and talk about it. 

My own story is quite long and complicated. I honestly don't understand it myself. First of all, I'm only 15 years old, and know that I have underlying issues and growing symptoms that haven't even blown up yet but probably will in the future. Therefore, I don't really know what to say. I guess I'll just tell it like it is. 

I developed OCD when I was about 9 and struggle with it currently. I blink compulsively to get rid of unwanted thoughts, scenarios, and urges that pop into my head. I take medication to treat it and work with a therapist.

I was diagnosed with ADHD- predominately inattentive about a year ago. I take medication to treat it and it's been a lifesaver. I can think clearly and normally now and complete some tasks. (I wasn't able to complete anything before.)

I struggled with crippling social anxiety in middle school. I believed that everyone was above me and everyone hated me. I spent so many of my lunches hiding in the bathroom and avoided interacting with people my age at all costs. When I started high school, things got (WAY) better.

I struggled with clinical depression for about a year, my worst episode being the fall of 2012. During that time I had zero energy to do anything. Nothing made me happy anymore. 

During that period of time, I cut myself frequently and took pills for no reason. I didn't do it to "feel something" or to "distract myself from emotional pain." I did it to bring myself closer to people; to make sure they had a reason to stay in my life. I was so used to being a victim that when it stopped in high school, I felt like no one had a reason to love me anymore. So I purposely made myself a victim in hopes I would keep a friend. I wanted some kind of evidence of my pain.

In December of 2012 I spent a week in a psychiatric hospital.

Between the time of my depression and now, I've been struggling with intense dissociation. I go through periods of time where I cannot separate my dreams from life and get false flashbacks. When I'm dissociating, I blank out, I can't process anything, and nothing feels real. It's like a dream. It sucks cause I took my PLAN test while I was like this and I'm pretty sure I didn't finish a large portion of it. These periods usually happen when I go into one of my "high" periods. It starts out enjoyable because I'm super motivated and want to do EVERYTHING and am not tired at all. Then I get too hyper and start to bother people. Then my thoughts go faster and faster AND FASTER until I can't catch up. Then I get confused, and then I go into dissociation. And then they just STOP all of a sudden and I can't think or process anything and I just kinda stare at people. It can be really awkward.
 I also experience paranoia, which is supposedly related- for example, I refuse to play Flappy Bird because I think it's going to make me part of the illuminati. Oh lord I'm ridiculous.

In addition, I've engaged in impulsive and compulsive behaviors. For impulsiveness, that includes self-harming, binge eating, and taking random pills. For compulsiveness, that includes odd muscle twitching, jaw-popping, closing my eyes, cracking my thumbs, and nail biting.

DANGGGGGG I never knew I had that many problems omg. The bottom line is that I'm find as of right now- these things kind of come in "episodes," meaning they bother me at some times more than other times. Right now, OCD is really bothering me. Out of all of these, dissociation when it's at its worst is the most dreadful because it's literally terrifying. Otherwise, I kind of wish I just had ADHD and OCD and could get rid of all the other stuff. It would be easier to focus on, ya know???

Um, ok...I guess you're all supposed to talk about me now?...

To finish up this post, I want to conclude with WHO and HOW you can talk if you're struggling. I've compiled a list of resources you can use:

Now, I'm taking a big risk and posting this. The people who have done this have gotten such positive feedback, so I'm hoping it will be the same for me as well. I considered not posting this because of the risks involved, but I read a comment on a post about this saying "I'm so glad you didn't throw this in your 'drafts' section." So I'm posting this. Because it would just go against the message not to.


xx Signe


  1. Beautiful post. I have struggled with sort of similar things and it is not easy to talk about let alone write about in your blog. I hope everything goes smoothly for you in the future Xx


  2. I applaude you for opening up to us all and sharing this. Great post.
    You're stronger than you think you are, keep fighting and I hope the future will be bright x

  3. It takes a lot of bravery to post something so personal on such a public space. You're an extraordinarily strong girl, keep fighting :)


  4. I'm so proud of you- the fact that you posted this is amazing. It's great that you are confident about your past & I'm sure this will help some people :))

    blog ♥

  5. <3
    you are an inspiration I cannot put into words how brave of you it is to post this on your blog XX

  6. I'm proud of you & your bravery! This is was amazing to read, and awesomely inspiring!
    x leah symonne x

  7. i struggle with anxiety and OCD intrusive thoughts. It's definitely a struggle. thank you so much for sharing! xx