Tuesday, December 31, 2013

so, today is new year's eve.

It's the last day of 2013. Mentally, where am I right now? 

Well, I'm in a very, very (VERY) different state than I was last year. I'm not going to go into details in this post. Maybe I will someday, but just not yet. Let's just say 2012 was a very bad year. And New Year's Eve of 2012 was undoubtedly THE WORST day of the entire year. 

2013 was a bit of a gap year. A short break in my life. It wasn't a year in itself. Nothing exciting happened. (I did go to Europe, but it was more of just a family vacation than an eye-opening, life-changing event.) 2013 was the year I got over 2012 so I could move on to 2014. And I can honestly say that I am ready. 

This was my 2013 in review. Alternatively, each month was like another step on the ladder of getting over 2012. At the top of the ladder is 2014. 


{January: Disappear}

In January, I disappeared. I spent January in my own world and mental state (and physically in my bed) because I literally did not have the capability of being present in the world. 


{February: Back to the world}

In February, I faced the fact that I had to come back. I had to have a routine. I had to go to school. I didn't know what was going on or what was going to happen, but I had to rebuild myself. 


{March: Move on}

I didn't get far in March. I spent most of it yearning for 2012 again. Yes, I did say 2012 was bad. But the darkness of it was the only place I knew how to be comfortable and the only place I could think and feel. 


{April: Mistakes}

I entered April with a positive attitude. All I wanted was a fresh start and to finish the school year off strong. My expectations were too high, which sent me crashing down when I realized that my goals were not realistic considering my mental state. 


{May: Try}

I learned an important lesson in May: I had to try. Not saying that I hadn't been trying, because I had been. But the significance of trying became more important to me: it wasn't that I had to do my homework, I had to try to do it. I didn't have to clean my room, I had to try to clean it. I had to try


{June: Hope}

In June, I turned 15. Reality sunk in when I realized that I was no longer 14. I had lived past 14. I then begin to realize that there was a life past 2012, a life past middle school, and a life past freshman year of high school. Turning 15 was like proof.


{July: What did it mean?}

So what did it mean? Why did I suffer so much in 2012? Why did I grow up five years in just one? And why me? July was full of pondering. 


{August: Reflection}

In August, I reflected. I realized just how far I had come in a year. In August of 2012, I didn't know my best friends. I hadn't lived through freshman year. I had a different style. Everything was so different. The contrast became majorly apparent.


{September: A leap of faith}

September was scary! I was starting my sophomore year. I was terrified it was going to be boring. At the same time, I was terrified some major event would happen that would drastically change me because it seemed as something always does. I was just scared of the unknown. 


{October: The new me}

In October, I realized I was becoming a new person. Fundamentally, I am still the same. But the way I see the world is different. I didn't know where I was going from October, but I knew I had to be ok with that. I spent October adjusting to the new me. 


{November: Happy}

In November, I declared myself happy. I was just happy. I could come home and do homework. Christmas and Thanksgiving were coming! I spent time with my family! I felt a sense of comfort in November I hadn't felt in a long, long time. Yeah, I had bad days. But in general, I was happy. 


{December: Balance}

In December, I felt in harmony. I felt normal. I can be normal. I can do normal stuff without being emotionally affected. I am still not good at balance, but I feel like I'm as close as what's possible right now. I can accept what's happened. 


I've recognized my true self a long time ago, but I think I'm beginning to realize how to exist as my true self in this world. Recognizing your true self does nothing if you don't know what and how you contribute to the world. I think what killed me is that I couldn't recognize that. In its raw state, my true self is not very compatible with the world. I now know what will make me happy is learning how to integrate everything that makes me different from the world into the world.  


xx Signe


4 comments:

  1. gurllllll i feel you on the life lesson of balance. I am learning that right now two...balancing emotions is a tough one but feels so triumphant when conquered!

    cheers to whats ahead in 2014!

    xo, Kelsey Belle | Happie Reading Blog

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  2. I'm sorry that you didn't have a great 2012 and whatever happened I'm so glad that you are feeling better and have accepted and got past whatever it was that occurred. <3 I'm really happy for you :) Hope you have a wonderful 2014!

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  3. You know what's crazy? I'm about twice your age, but we're name twins and kind of like life twins. I have to say that I have lots of faith in your new year. The way you are able to articulate yourself is amazing and will serve you well throughout your life!
    : signe : the daily savant :
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  4. Looks like you've had quite the year. It's always interesting to reflect back on what happened in the past year, isn't it?

    Hope you have a great New Year. Wishing lots of happiness and success in 2014!

    xo Deborah
    Coffee, Prose, and Pretty Clothes

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